Diary of a depressed black woman

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Can I be honest? I’m probably one of the strongest people I know but sometimes, life feels as if it is too much to bear. As I am writing this I’m also second guessing every word, and hoping no one takes this as an actual farewell letter but instead a glimpse inside my mind.

It’s so hard to be Black in this country even in 2016 - we’re still not able to freely voice our opinions and beliefs without being berated for it. Yet with all of our social issues going on, there is one topic that is never touched upon in the Black community: Depression. We lose so many of our own to Depression every year and we never seem to address the issue head on. Depression and Suicide was always seen as a “white-people-problem” instead of a PEOPLE PROBLEM and I believe that is where we went wrong.

Since I was a little kid I always had this feeling of despair hanging over my head. I’ve always known that I wanted to do and be something great but this horrible horrible feeling would start to wash over me. I always knew I was a little different than other kids because of things seen in the past and through different life experiences. I was always kind of teased and picked on for my weight, height, clothing and for being quiet. I had this thing where I didn’t want to be noticed in fear that I’d get picked on so I’d pretty much do my best to always arrive first to classes, sit all the way in the back corner seats and pretty much never raise my hand. If I was ever running late to my classes I’d end up skipping them in fear that I’d walk in late and be embarrassed in front of the entire class. 

I’d managed to make my way through middle school like this but things didn't start to get really bad until about my freshman year in high school. As a freshman I made it my business to never be in class. I’d go to the ones I excelled in like English and History but for the most part I’d find solace in the handicap stall of the girls bathroom. I’d just sit in the bathroom for hours, waiting and thinking about shit. I’d hated school so much that skipping became my day to day routine.
This period of my life was probably the worst I’ve seen so far. It was around this time my father had been released from prison after being incarcerated for 15 to 16 years of my life. We hadn’t had a relationship prior to his release other than the 2 to 3 yearly visits my grandma would take us on and 3 minute phone calls every other day. 

I ended up getting expelled from school that year and transferring to an alternative school. One of the last days at the school I got expelled from I remember so vividly. My mom was late to pick my brother and I up from Albertsons after school like she always would. I kept calling her trying to figure out why she was so late. When she finally pulled up I saw my dad was driving and she in the passengers seat. I got in behind her and my brother sat behind him. Once in the car I said “You’re late” and that’s when he got out of the drivers seat and started walking around the front of the car to my door and my mom said “Kiana you better lock your door.” Being the hard head I am, I didn’t because I figured what the fuck could he do, hit me? That day and every other day replays in my head every time I think about writing him back, or talking to him on the phone or even forgiving him for all the shit he not only put me through, but my family too.

I remember a loud, hard crack and a hot heat on my face - my favorite once yellow Rocawear shirt was now stained red. Blood surged from my mouth furiously. I remember my mom then jumping the drivers seat and pulling over further away from people (who had seen the entire thing). I remember being parked next to a taxi cab driver with 2 men in it just staring at me. I felt so hopeless. I had thoughts about jumping out of the car and running into oncoming traffic hoping someone would save me but I was paralyzed. My mom called my Uncle Greg to pick me up and he showed up like he always did; He’d do anything for my brother and I. We rode in silence to my grandmothers house where he took me. I remember walking past her with my bloodied face and shirt and she asking me what I’d done. I stayed in my room for days after that - I didn’t speak to anyone and no one to I. 

By the time I healed I’d already started at my new school. Things got worse and my thoughts got louder so I began drinking to not feel so much. I’d drink before bed, before school and after. I couldn’t cope with all the shit that was happening. My father began terrorizing the very people I cared about. When people wouldn’t respond the way he wanted he would flip out and try to make them hurt probably worst than what he hurt inside. I remember him telling my brother to wash the dishes and my brother forgot to do and it when he confronted him and asked why and didn’t get an answer he liked, he knocked him to the ground and stomped on his head LIKE HE WAS IN PRISON. I’m talking about a 6’5 250 pound man folks. You mad about dishes fam? I remember seeing him punch my mom in the face like he did me and us all getting on the bus with her to try and make it home so she could get to a hospital. I remember him punching me in the head after me not greeting him when I got home. My right ear is still fucked up after that but I say all of this to say - you never really know some of the things people have went through.

All of these experiences and more made me up to be the woman I am today but it’s hard to not look at all the bullshit and wanna give up. What’s harder is to decide to ignore all these things and let them play in your mind. I’ve always been a quiet person and I’ve always tended to shy away from letting people into my struggles and things I've been through. I’ve told very few people these experiences in fear that once I’d shown my truth and professed my depression and suicidal thoughts that I’d be dismissed and shooed away. Its sad to say but, this has happened every time. “You’ll be fine” they said. “Black people don’t kill themselves” they said. “It’s not that bad” they said. No one should have to ever argue and fight for a loved ones approval or support for them when they say “HEY I NEED HELP.”

We gotta change this asinine double standard that only whites can be depressed and seek help and blacks should just “get over it.” We’re losing too many of our people as it is to police brutality and senseless gun violence so why continue to stand by when there’s someone openly asking you to help them save their life?! Talking openly about depression is hard as it is - be open and receptive to what it is that person is telling you. Chances are, they’re coming to confide in you because you mean a great deal to them and they value your opinion.

I still have days where I kind of start thinking about all the things in my past - and those can be hard - but then I think about all the things I want to do in this world and how much my Uncle Greg would be proud of me - and I can then breathe a little easier. 

It takes a strong ass person to stand up to depression.


xx



Style Stalker: Knotty Girl

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One of my favorite hairstyles as of late has been none other than the top knot! It can be worn & styled oh so many ways AND it works for all hair textures. I've been looking for ways to fight the itch to cut my hair (I know, I know...) so expect to see a new hairstyle atleastttt...every month. That is until I finally buck up and cut it all off...once again. I may never see a full afro...not of my own hair at least. Hey there's always wigs right?

I've been wearing this look with shaved sides (I knowwww) for the last few weeks now. Could be a fun thing to record....

Anywho, check out a few of my favorite knots below - let me know your fave :)

xx

The Need To Know

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Hey guys! So I stated in the last few posts that I had some new ideas for Wilde | Free that I wanted to start implementing going forward. Within the next few weeks I wanna start working on creating video content for the blog, I've already started setting up my YouTube and gathering different video ideas. Another idea I had was to revamp the post series such as Saturday Six and Music Monday into the new and improved The Need To Know.

The Need To Know is will be a combination of things like new music, fashion news and trends and pretty much anything else I'd wanna highlight. My focus was to steer away the obligation of posting on a certain weekday and being able to be a bit more free so that content will flow naturally as opposed to being bullshitted just because its a Tuesday and I need something to post.

Some content will still remain such as Style Stalker and Cr8ive Spaces so don't fret my loves.

Be sure to keep and eye out for new posts this week ;)

xx

noir et bleu.

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There's nothing I love more than the art of athleisure - This trend is the perfectttt excuse for girls like me who hate wearing heels #sneakersfolife.

Depending on how you dress it, you still have that opportunity and space to be sexy but on your own terms and that's what I'm allllll about. Being comfortable in your sexy. 



I wore this look the other day for my birthday dinner #LibraGang - My mom treated me to Yardbird which I'd been dying to try for almost a year now. The food was pretty dope but I was honestly more impressed with the interior decor and the overall aesthetic AND (big and) the customer service. I've never had such amazing and genuine customer service in my damn life. That's super hard to find here in Miami too because everyone here is on some other shit.


I used to meet people and they'd always say us Miamians have the worst attitudes. It wasn't until I started actually traveling and experiencing other places and people that I started to realize that this might actually be true. We gotta do better Miami - as a people yeah but we can start here first too lol. I'm all about #JustBeNice2016 lol.


Anywho, now about this outfit. I recently picked up these track pants from Adidas (in the men's section)for a mere $35! I'd been stalking them for some time now and had finally decided to get them since it was my birthday week and all lol. I loveeeee the fit of these pants because they're super slim and have an amazing tapered fit to the leg. They look more like tights on me but whatev.....


I paired the track pants with an H&M satin bralette, a sheer tulle Zara top and my bright blue Nike Huaraches. To finish off this cool look I added a studded choker and big gold hoops.

As always, let me know what you all think :)

xx

I know, I know...

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I know you guys wanna fight me...I know lol. I've been doing a pretty shitty job keeping up with blogging due to many (but still shitty) reasons but now my aim is to change that. I go through bouts of writer's block (and depression tbh) but I'm not gonna let little shit like that stand in the way of me doing what I love - writing.

And good news, I finally (yes finally) got a new camera so they'll be no more shitty excuses of why I'm not writing. I swear *crosses heart*

I've missed having this little space to vent and say (well type) all the little curse words I could possibly stand. Sometimes its good to take a step back, breathe and then remember just why the fuck you ever started in the first place. I know its something special and unique about this little ol' blog because you guys are still here riding with me (and checking back daily!) after all these years.

That says a lot. It's my validation to keep it fucking going and to never stop - I just have to. 



#CantStopWontStop

xx

Style Stalker: Catch me slippin'

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The lingerie trend is no longer a trend of the past. This 90's classic has been on what seems like every blog as of late. It can be styled numerous ways and dressed both up and down. It adds an element of sexiness and mystery to any look.
What I love most about the slip dress is that it does something that not many pieces can do: it's simply sexy without trying. It's something beautiful about satin and lace when paired together.

I love the idea of layering the slip dress over a cool graphic tee r or even jeans. I love how Kendall Jenner (above) paired a nude slip dress over a simple white tee with over the knee suede boots and a long duster coat. Rihanna killed this bronze slip dress with a pair of strappy heels, a fur coat and a baseball hat.
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Below are a few cute slip dress options for the low ;)


slip

slip by wildefree featuring a camisole dress





xx

BLK.

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I'm glad I'm getting back into the groove of taking more pics for W|F. I shot these the other day at this auto shop by my house. I've passed it for years and never actually took the opportunity to shoot here since there was always Wynwood and Downtown Miami. 

Guess this is kinda like seeing the beauty in your own environment. Opa Locka actually has a lot of good spots worth shooting.
I gotta work on getting another camera soon, I've been using my iphone for these. I mean the quality is actually pretty damn decent but I really miss having my camera. I've had my eye on the Sony A6000 for some time now, I'm just...kinda cheap lol.
Ugh, Sony if you see this...holla at a playa ;)
I got a few new pieces from H&M, Nike and Urban Outfitters so be on the look out for more new posts soon. Oh, and new hair ;)

Jacket: Zara | Tank: H&M | Tights: Pink | Sneakers: Nike | 
Bag: Marshalls | Choker: F21

xx


recap: H&M Press Preview Event at The Galleria at Ft. Lauderdale

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This past week I had an exclusive first look at the newest H&M here in SoFlo. The brand opened their 29th Florida store right in Ft. Lauderdale's beloved Galleria Mall.
I've been to store openings for H&M before (as an employee) which was always tons of fun but being on the other side this time was even more fun! Everyone even had the opportunity to get first pick from some of the stores amazing selections (I found so much stufffff) which I loved.
Everyone knows that H&M is all about affordable yet chic fashion for all which I love. The brand believes in making fashion accessible for everyone no matter the budget (and all without compromising quality).

They're the real MVP's.
I'm really big on visual merchandising so to see this brand new "baby" is pretty much any merchandisers dream. Perfect fold everywhereeeee.
Very dope mannequin army set up. 
H&M Divided section (my favorite!)I found so many cool vintage band tees and distressed denim in this area. Very very cool.
Beauty (ooh la la)
This denim section was SO on point. Like, seriously. I mean look at those perfect jean stacks #foldgoals

I also really loved the kids sections. 

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What I wore:


Top: H&M | Jeans + Shoes: UO | Bag: Marshalls | Bandana: Gas Station

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I'm so happy I had the opportunity to attend the opening event :) Now I just need someone to hide my debit card lol.

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This location offers Training, Maternity, Mens, Womens, 
Lingerie, Kids and Beauty.

If you'd like more info on this location:

H&M Galleria Mall
2414 E Sunrise Blvd, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33304

xx

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